I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize