i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
