I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize