I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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