Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
