Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
