I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
