My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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