My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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