There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
