Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
