Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize