I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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