im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Oh god it's open bar.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
