Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
