so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The power of my boobs compel you
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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