no, he came in my armpit
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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