His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
