Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
