Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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