Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
