You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize