Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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