Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Drunk is a universal language darling
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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