the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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