Don't you send me to vm
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
