Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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