you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
