you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
