Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
