dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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