R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
