Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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