someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
