If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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