Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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