I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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