i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
