my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
