If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
