My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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