i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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