she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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