Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
