you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
