she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
