Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
