if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
