Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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