yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
