i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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