Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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