im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
