Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
