Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
