My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
