i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
