so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
