I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
