sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
