I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
