Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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