you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
