Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
