What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize