I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
