There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize