Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I feel great
I just peed on a car
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
