I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
