[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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