Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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