Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
