i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
