I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
